


Science From Scratch

by RhiannonSilverflame (throughtosunrise)



Category: Portal (Video Game)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-20
Updated: 2012-12-20
Packaged: 2017-11-21 16:58:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,351
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/600047
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/throughtosunrise/pseuds/RhiannonSilverflame
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When GLaDOS said that the Enrichment Center promised never to value safety above unique ideas and creativity, she was upholding a long-standing Aperture Science tradition.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Science From Scratch

**Author's Note:**

  * For [thedeadparrot](https://archiveofourown.org/users/thedeadparrot/gifts).



_Cave Johnson here, introducing Aperture's newest way to improve the lives of consumers everywhere: Dietary Repulsion Pudding Substitute. Never mind that substitute thing, though.  Just think of it as pudding. So when I say consumers, I mean it literally._

_* * *_

Observed Side Effects of Repulsion Pudding-Induced Reverse Ingestion of Nutrient-Bearing Organic Material _,_ read the title of the lab report that Cave Johnson unceremoniously tossed aside. It was eighty-three pages thick, mostly because the lab tech had gotten carried away testing the behavior of soups versus stews when ingested by subjects, and how the splash pattern of split pea changed if it came out through someone's nostrils first instead of bouncing straight back up through the mouth. Eighty-three pages, and that wasn't counting the pictures in the attached manila envelope stamped OPEN WITH CAUTION.

 "Great work. Real thorough. Report that thick, makes a nice solid thunk," he said, smacking the desktop with an open hand to illustrate. Again. For emphasis.

 If the scientist who'd written the report had seen that, he might've sighed, or started to sputter protests. (He was new. Hadn't had the kneejerk-reaction concern about _safety_ knocked out of him quite yet, but they'd break him in soon enough.) Caroline took it in stride, picking up the report and filing it away neatly in a drawer full of other stacks of paper with titles like Recorded Effects of Biomatter Contact with the Operational End of the Quantum Tunneling Device, Overview of Grill-Emancipated Organic Materials _,_ and Hypothetical Effects of Prolonged Exposure to the Super Heavy Duty Super-Colliding Super Button (prototype) _._

"They all do, Mister Johnson," Caroline answered lightly.

 "You'd know. You read 'em all. Hell, we might as well shove everything in those drawers into boxes and toss 'em into the enrichment spheres to see what the test subjects'll do with heavy boxes, since you've got 'em memorized." He waved a hand as she started to protest. "No need to be modest. It's true. So what's this one say?"

 * * *

  _You know the biggest setback to maintaining a successful diet? Eating. Pesky food'll ruin it every time. Well, rest assured: we've got a solution to that problem for you._

  _* * *_

 A couple of interns scattered, yelping in alarm, when flying chunks of something -- hard to tell from here, but the lab boys could fill in the details later -- hit the observation room glass with a wet splatter.

 Caroline leaned forward, offered a noncommittal "Hm," and started scribbling on the notepad in front of her.

 "I like it." Cave seemed nonplussed by the test subject's expression of complete bewilderment. She'd signed on for science. The fine print had all been there; how was he supposed to know she couldn't read microscopic letters? If that was a problem, she should've said so up front. "We'll have to slap a bow and wrapping paper on it for the investors, though, or it could get --"

 He tapped the glass (and did not envy whatever poor schmuck from Janitorial got saddled with that cleaning job) and chuckled. "Heh. Heh. Messy." God, he was hilarious.

 Caroline handed him the notepad so he could look over the rough draft. "Already on it, sir."

 "Of course you are. You could run this place with one hand tied behind your back. Hell, with no hands at all."

 * * *

  _Pudding! Now, I know what you're thinking: 'Cave, there's nothing new about pudding. It's been around for thousands of years.' Not this stuff._

  _This new dietary pudding is made from the finest, almost-but-not-quite-least toxic fiberglass mankind can make. We only work with the best here. And it's sweet, too; no more having to choke down some tasteless lump just because it's all natural. Why settle for all natural when you can have scientifically engineered full flavor?_

  _* * *_

 "Whaddya mean, you have concerns about the color? It's blue, isn't it? Everybody likes a nice cheerful shade of blue." Never mind that there wasn't a single blue thing in Cave's office. "You think people aren't going to want to eat something that color?"

 The lab tech opened his mouth to say something, but promptly shut up when Caroline looked at him and shook her head, silent but forbidding. Anyone who'd worked at Aperture long enough knew that look, the warning gesture of _if you say that, do you really want what will happen next?_

 Cave held his thumb and forefinger just a hair's breadth apart to suggest exactly how big of an obstacle he thought this was and swiveled around in his chair to start looking over some offers from new potential investors. "Come up with something. Aren't some of the boys down on the second floor researching hypnosis? Work with 'em. Find a shade of blue that'll make people just want to eat it when they see it."

 * * *

  _But how does pudding help with weight loss? I can hear you asking that now. How can I hear you? Can't tell you. That's proprietary technology. Anyway, I'm about to explain that. What this stuff does is, you eat it and it coats the lining of your stomach. That's not the fiberglass, that's the... what the hell's this word, Caroline? I can't pronounce this stuff. It's a fancy scientific thing that makes pudding stick to the lining of your stomach, that's the important part._

  _After that, any other food that goes down your gullet hits your stomach and bam. The pudding kicks it right back up._ _ That's _ _the fiberglass. We had some preliminary concern about that being on the repulsive side, but look at it this way: get a good look at what you just tried to eat, and it'll make you think twice about putting it in your mouth, won't it? This pudding's territorial stuff. Gets jealous of anything else being in your stomach. The lab boys tell me that's because it has a mind of its own._

  _* * *_

 "Sir."

 Cave didn't look up from the paperwork he was signing. "What is it, Caroline? Another one of the test subjects NASA sent our way dropped off the face of the planet. This is the kind of stuff non-disclosure agreements were made for."

 "I'm sure he's fine, wherever he is," Caroline said automatically. "Sir, we had a minor stampede outside Quality Testing. The scientists were shouting something about the Repulsion Pudding turning on them."

  _* * *_

  _Literally._

  _But you know what they say. Two heads are better than one. This stuff isn't going to make you grow a second head -- we're fairly sure -- but leave the pudding to think about your stomach and what you put in it, and that frees you up to think about other things. Who knows? Someone eats this pudding, has extra time to think, ends up being one of the greatest scientific minds of the century._

  _Works out for them. And hopefully us, not Black Mesa._

  _* * *_

 Caroline appeared in the office doorway with a folder full of papers in hand. "Sir, I've just gotten the final results on the latest set of Repulsion tests."

 "Already? That was quick. Didn't think they'd have those ready until next week," Cave told her, approving. "I don't know how you do it, but you can sure put the fear of God into those lab boys when you want to."

Caroline shrugged. "It was nothing, really, Mister Johnson."

Cave leaned back in his chair and steepled his fingers, idly swiveling back and forth a few degrees. "All right, then, let me hear it. Any new negative side effects?"

"Nothing new," Caroline told him, skimming the report quickly. "The usual lightheadedness and progressive loss of energy before --"

Cave made a dismissive gesture; as long as he didn't have to find anything new to spin creatively, he didn't care. "Small price to pay in the name of science. They want to complain, remind 'em they've got it a hell of a lot easier than the praying mantis DNA group."

* * *

_We're still working out a minor problem with people not being able to eat any more, but the lab boys say not to worry. That stops being a problem before you know it._

  _Is that it, Caroline? That's it. This is Cave Johnson, and we're done._

 


End file.
